You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
