i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
