pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
