I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize