I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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