My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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