Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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