I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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