if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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