WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
