I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We left an ass print on the piano.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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