can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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