someone owes me an orgasm
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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