i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
