Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
