why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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