You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Mom said you looked used
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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