I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
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that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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