woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
