my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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