i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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