I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
