why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
