I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
