Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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