in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
