I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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