Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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