hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
