(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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