I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
