Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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