he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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