How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize