Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
