Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
