Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
