and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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