he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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