I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need to sanitize my soul.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
