i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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