Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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