the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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