Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
