You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
