SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
