Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
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She told me I should be a condom model.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
where are my eyebrows?
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