Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
