you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
