i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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