once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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