i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
