While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
