WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
