All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
