Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
