You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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