dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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