I accidentally had phone sex last night
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
