Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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